does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Don't make out with my wife yet
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
