I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
