I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize