new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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