We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
