dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
