Me too!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
please don't ironically join a cult
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