eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
