Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
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She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."