TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
