'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
