he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
