I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
