We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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