so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
