Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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