Can i not drive my cunt home
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
