There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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