At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
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Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
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p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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