You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
