i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
