I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
