The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
