I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
