So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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