no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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