I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
