I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
