Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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