remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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