He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
You made out with two different species that night
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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