i just wanna soil my oats bro
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
