so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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