At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
