Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
