My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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