Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
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Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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