The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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