i just sent this text using only my big toe
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found a bag of teeth...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
