If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
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The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
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Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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