Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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