my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
