you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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