I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
