South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
