Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I wish I only lived at night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
