We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
