nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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