First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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