she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
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If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
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Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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