There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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